Brizoni's Internet Clutter

47 Next Generation Season 8 Plots

I am not the mind behind the hilarious Twitter account @TNG-S8. I wish. I’m actually quite irritated I didn’t think of it first. But I didn’t. AND I DON’T CARE, because I like the idea so much I’m going to play anyway. They came up with the idea, I wrote these. Me me me.

Thought about starting a competing Twitter, but some of these are way more than 140 characters and I don’t feel like editing them down. My pith-fu isn’t always strong.

Why 47? If you get these jokes, you probably already know. Nerd.

1. The comm badges gain sentience, conspire to “start slapping back,” and only Data can hear them. Dr. Crusher goes a whole week straight without determining a single medical cause for anything.

2. Turns out the less ambitious mind worms from season 1 stayed behind “just to crash.” Once removed from the crewmen, their performance drops dramatically.

3. The Enterprise travels back to 1995 to prevent the Eugenics Wars, lands in the real, uneventful 1995 instead. Troi gets a “Rachel” haircut.

4. The virtual pet craze sweeps the Enterprise! More than one crew member points out that Data is kind of like a virtual pet himself. Data wonders if offense is an emotion.

5. Barclay discovers, bullies a tiny parallel universe. All goes well until giant MegaBarclay from a third universe shows up.

6. Remembering he can feel emotions when he’s drunk (cf. “The Naked Now,” Season 1, Episode 03, Production number 40271-103), Data starts drinking. Worf joins him. A Very Special Episode.

7. The crew discovers a long-lost Earth colony that still uses the N-word. A lot. An Even Very Specialer Episode.

8. The crew discovers a 1970s world! Riker becomes their king in short order.

9. The Traveler drops off Wesley, who is dying from Time Cancer. Clip show: “Best” Wesley moments.

10. Another clip show: Geordi, playing poker with the senior staff, reminisces about adventures the others can’t remember. Turns out Seasons 2 and 6 took place on the holodeck. Geordi was trapped on the holodeck while his sentient holographic double took his place in the real world. Real and Holo Geordi hold an Engineer-Off to settle who gets to live where.

11. TOS remake: Dagger of the Mind. Riker instead of Kirk.

12. TOS remake: Amok Time. Worf instead of Spock.

13. TOS remake: The one where Kirk gets amnesia. Data instead of… oh, wait, they did this one.

14. TOS remake: Spock’s Brain. Old Spock instead of Young Spock.

15. TOS remake: The one with the fried eggs that attach to you and kill you. Guinan instead of everyone.

16. TOS remake: Mirror Mirror. Sexy Evil Barclay instead of Sexy Evil Sulu.

17. The holodeck malfunctions, but this time it just stops working. Only Troi can sense a young invisible ensign.

18. That asteroid the ship blew up was even more sentient than the talking comet it was about to crash into. Worf discovers pizza.

19. TOS remake: The one where they meet Zefram Cochrane. Oh, wait, they did this one.

20. TOS remake: Mudd’s Women. Max Headroom instead of Harry Mudd. Also, Dr. Crusher falls in love with a ghost Trill. Just the symbiote.

21. Q brings Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant for the race of a lifetime: Against the Enterprise! Voyager loses, has to go back to the Delta Quadrant.

22. Picard wants to quit Starfleet to tend a vineyard. Crusher’s ghost boyfriend won’t stop going “WoooOOOOOooo!”

23. The crew travels back in time to meet the original crew of the Enterprise! But movie-aged original crew, not cool-aged original crew. Worf kills Kirk’s other son that he didn’t know about.

24. The ship encounters a glowing cloud that claims to be God. Three other clouds show up claiming the same. They all get too close to the deflector dish and are obliterated. Picard orders Data to stop bringing his cat on the bridge; Data “does not understand.”

25. TOS remake: Wolf in the Fold. Geordi instead of Scotty. Hitler’s energy ghost instead of Jack the Ripper’s energy ghost.

26. Business booms for a planet of organ poachers when they get their hands on the Enterprise’s transporter. Data accesses his wet dream subroutine.

27. TOS remake: The Abraham Lincoln one. Ro instead of Uhura. Hitler instead of Lincoln. Klingon Jesus instead of Vulcan Jesus.

28. The crew finds a legendary artifact, but the part of the legend where the artifact was an inexhaustible power source was a fib. Barclay makes fun of the Andorian ambassador while the Andorian ambassador is standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM!

29. The Borg start and win a war against the Federation. A quick slingshot around the sun fixes everything.

30. Someone is trying to poison the crew! Has the replicator achieved sentience? Data and Troi bond when only the chocolate-loving part of Data’s emotion chip works.

31. After a saucer separation, two identical saucers show up, each claiming to be the real one. The Battle Bridge!

32. Everyone on the Enterprise is blinded, except for Geordi, who was already blind. Barclay brings smoking back to the 24th century.

33. When the Farting Hippo Men of Telgoshian 7 join the Federation, species diversification quotas prove disastrous for the Enterprise. There’s a SECOND Riker transporter duplicate! What are the odds!

34. A rainstorm… in SPACE? Worf and Troi break up when Worf thinks Troi wanted an honest assessment of the size of her butt in that uniform.

35. An entire planet has been turned into one big bomb! The Enterprise has to figure out which wire to phaser-cut.

36. 28-year-old Wesley learns the dangers of teen smoking. A pre-recorded Tasha Yar holographic message chews him out.

37. An alien race of hemophiliacs demand the Enterprise’s replicators produce hemoglobin around the clock. Picard’s nose job ruins his distinctive look.

38. Only Worf’s batleth/helm interface can save the Enterprise when they encounter a giant sword-based lifeform. Data new “sleeping in” subroutine costs a young ensign her life.

39. The Enterprise must race to a starbase on the other side of the quadrant before the crew succumbs to space scurvy. Worf’s honor is on the line when someone farts in the turbolift.

40. On a Very Special Episode, the crew is left reeling after a young lieutenant’s suicide. When they finally come to grips with it, they learn an energy alien made him do it. Oh, wait…

41. An energy alien masquerading as Jesus Christ materializes on the bridge, causes, heals leprosy. The real Jesus shows up and sends the impostor to Energy Gas Hell… which is HUMAN LIFE. Crew converts to Christianity, stays converted for remainder of series.

42. Riker claims to have contracted a “date-rape virus.” Clip show.

43. A pink gender-changing mist fills the ship, rendering the men unfit for duty. Picard still bald.

44. Worf is stranded on a hostile planet with a member of an alien culture that only communicates in mime. Data must wear his childhood cowboy outfit or blow out his positronic matrix.

45. DS9 remake: The one where a virus makes everyone speak gibberish. Data instead of Odo. Pig Latin instead of gibberish.

46. Enterprise remake: The one where the Vulcan Mind Meld spreads AIDS, basically. Worf instead of the Vulcan chick. Klingon Battle-Greeting instead of Vulcan Mind Meld. Real AIDS instead of symbolic AIDS.

47. The Ferengi give one last stab at being serious villains. The sound of the crew’s collective laughter pierces their hypersensitive ears, defeating them in the first five minutes. Data won’t stop quoting a book of 1980s political satire he found.

SEASON NINE: Nothing but holodeck malfunctions!

Atheists being dumb again.

And I say that as pretty much an atheist myself.

(emphasis added)

“It sends a message of intimidation and exclusion to non-Christians and non-believers this time of year,” FFRF co-founder Annie Laurie Gaylor told television station KFDW.

Athens Daily Review photo

She said the location of the Nativity — on the lawn of the courthouse in Athens, made non-Christians feel unwelcome.

“Anybody walking by that is going to say, ‘Hmmm. This is a Christian government building. I’m not welcome here if I’m not Christian,’” she told the television station.

http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/tx-attorney-general-tells-atheists-dont-mess-with-texas.html

How to Become an Occupier in Seven Easy Steps

Lightly adapted from Walter Russel Mead’s “How to Ruin Your Life.”

1. Enroll in a college that you cannot afford, and rely on large student loans to make up the difference.

2. Spend the next four years having as good a time as possible: hang out, hook up, and take plenty of “awesome” courses commensurate with your voluptuary, dick-around lifestyle. Now is the only time that matters. (Cen.12-17)

3. Find teachers and role models who will encourage you to develop an attitude of enlightened contempt for ordinary American middle class life, the world of business, and such bourgeois virtues as self-reliance, thrift, accountability and self-discipline. Scorn any and all unironic use of the phrase “property rights.” Specialize in sarcasm and snark.

4. Again, avoid all courses with tough requirements, taking only the minimum required number of classes in science, math and foreign languages.

5. Never think about acquiring marketable skills.

6. This is the most important step. When you graduate and discover that you have to repay the loans and cannot get a job that pays enough to live comfortably while servicing your debts, be surprised. Blame society. Demand that the government or your parents or evil corporations bail you out.

7. Expect anyone (except for other clueless losers who’ve been as stupid and wasteful as you) to sympathize with your plight, or to treat you with anything but an infuriating mixture of sorrow, pity and contempt.

The Farce of Occupy (in one paragraph)

From commenter Dustin, on adamcarolla.com:

At least the Tea Party just showed up for a day, said what they wanted to say and left. It’s amazing the amount of hate vomited up over the Tea Party, but now when a bunch of smelly over educated bums sit in a park for 2 months it’s supposed to be a marvel of free speech and “making a difference”. At least if you hate the tea party they were gone in a few hours and you didn’t have to navigate human filth just to run your coffee shop.

Single Standard

From a commenter on this post:

OWSers are condemned for defecating on police cars. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they defecate on police cars, too.

OWSers are condemned for sexual assault. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they commit sexual assault, too.

OWSers are condemned for blocking people trying to get to work. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they block people trying to get to work, too.

OWSers are condemned for throwing eye-burning liquids on police. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they throw eye-burning liquids on police, too.

OWSers are condemned for leaving huge piles of trash where they assemble. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they leave huge piles of trash where they assemble, too.

OWSers are condemned for trashing restaurant restrooms. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they trash restaurant restrooms, too.

OWSers are condemned for banging on drums at all hours in a residential neighborhood. Tea Partiers should be condemned when they bang on drums at all hours in a residential neighborhood, too.